So we carved up this dope Chief Illiniwek pumpkin and bought candy and the kids in my neighborhood are too freaking lazy to put on costumes.

One kid managed to at least find a funny hat and wear that. When I asked him what he was dressed as, he told me he was a pimp. Mind you, the kid is 8 years old. I didn't bother asking him if he knew what a pimp was, or whether his parents knew their son was dressed as a pimp, because sadly I already knew the answers to those questions were no, and yes, in that order.

Anyways, all you parents out there, here is a guide to halloween for your kids:

• WEAR A COSTUME! If little Johnny is is going to make his fat ass fatter with all this candy, at least give him some exercise and let him walk around the store and get a costume and go through the effort of lifting his fat little legs to put the damn thing on.
• If you can't wear a costume, find something around the house and pretend its a costume ... i.e. wear a suit and say you're a businessman. Sure you're completely devoid of any creativity, but at least it shows you respect the concept of halloween.
• Be under the age of 15. Seriously, if you're over 15 years old then the only way you're getting candy from me is if you're a 18+ attractive single female. Or if you're collecting from Unicef, I'll give you candy then too. I can respect that.
• Age appropriate costumes!! No 8 year old pimps, or ten year old whores. 18 year old whores are more than welcome, however.